Why? Why? How Come? You know What? Hey Momma!

I am starting to lose my mind, but I guess I dont qualify for insane, b/c I feel bad about it. Lucie is driving me crazy with CONSTANT chatter. Questions, why?, how come?, basic hey momma!, songs (but not the actual full song. it is more like a mix version of 3 songs all jumbled together), animal noises (kitty cat purring is the most prevalent and therefore most annoying). It is really starting to take a toll on me. I actually told her this morning "I will let you know when it is okay to say 'why?' again." She answered with "Hey momma, do you know what?". I feel bad that I dont want to talk to her ALL the time. But really, who can talk with her ALL day, especially when most of the talk is the SAME (i mean exactly) the same phrase she just said 4 times. Over and over and over. If you took all of what she says ALL day and removed the repeated phrases, you would be left with like 15 minutes of unique dialogue. It is HIGHLY amusing converstation for at least 2-3 hours, but gosh darn, by like 3pm I am over it. Add in her 'monkey' like physical movements and 'drama', I am in way over my head. HELP!

OMG...

Lucie learned a lesson yesterday. Do NOT poop on the playground. I had to take rescue remedy AND drink two glasses of wine to recover from this adventure in motherhood.

Modern Momma meets AP?

I worked out of the home, 40 hour week, commuting 1 hour both ways with Lucie until she was about 8m old. It was really hard. I never adjusted to daycare. She honestly, did not seem to care so much, but I knew it could be better for us both. I missed her terribly. I made the best of it. I nursed her right before I dropped her off, came back at lunch to nurse, fed her right when I picked her up. On good days, she would have maybe one bottle at daycare. On bad days, I would have a 14 hour work day and my husband would have to come get her and it was brutal. I do feel like I practiced AP (Attachment Parenting), maybe not to the nth degree, but I know I did to a great extent. I nursed cont/ex until she was 6m. she did not really even start food until 10 months. I pumped at work. I practiced bedsharing and babywearing. I also finished my masters that first year and became a Bradley teacher. Nursing made it so much easier to keep up my very active 'personal' life and take Lucie everywhere with me. She went to many a thesis meeting at LSU.

I have a very goal orientated personality and am very type A, I guess. I have alot of dreams and aspirations adn I sort of feel like my kids are coming along with me as much as I am present to be with them on their journeys. For me personally, the road sort of goes both ways. I want them to be able to learn from watching me handle all the facets of my life. I do think that it is a constant battle to work and parent with grace and kindness. but I think that is what AP is all about. It is an ideal that was never meant to be absolute but a goal that we each strive for everyday, to do better than we did yesterday. To be more than the physical need meeter, but the parent who is engaged emotionally with their child. I think that being a parent who acknowledges to their child that today was crummy, and I am going to try to do better tomorrow is practicing AP, the hardest form of it in my opinion. I dont think you have to be with your child 24/7 to be an engaged and loving parent.
I did find that traditional daycare was so hard and I hated feeling like I saw my kid for 1 hour a day. I started my business with my husband as a way to provide an income for ourselves while spending more time with my daughter and honestly, my husband. My husband and I sort of looked at each other one day and realized, I have only seen you for like 1 hour a day for months. None of this was what I felt like my life should be like. Revolving around a time clock adn uniform that I hated, and my clientele, which I physically and emotionally was in love with, was my own life, sort of in orbit. I dont feel hard towards any mother who works full time. I am so grateful that she works so hard on both levels of life to provide not only for her own family but for mine as well. Those teachers adn firewomen and nurses etc etc etc. Without them, our world/lives would be run completely by men, haha, or I guess menopausal women...... then when would granny come if she was busy running schools etc. Anyway......does working out of the home for the 20 hours week or so that I do and working another 40 hours a week with my kids running in adn out of my office and riding with me in my truck to jobsites adn coloring with chalk on my trailer as I am waiting for trees to get loaded up set me up for failure as a mother? Probably. Do I have the occassional breakdown and crummy momma days? Absolutely. But I do try to do better the next day. I try to look at our relationships as a whole. I try to look at what I am teaching my children as a whole.

I am not going to give up on trying to have it all.

Some days I feel like I would get a 'c' grade for everything. Work, family, kids, wife, daughter, sister. Some days I suck. Some days I am a big loser at it all. I know, though, that my kids are learning from watching me falter, watching me flail, watching me start to lose my cool, watching me take care of business, watching me regroup, watching me turn around a bad situation, and usually watching me go from some type of crazy to 'hey, wanna paint?'. At my house, it is not 'together' all the time, it is a rush, it is a battle, but honestly, I enjoy the chaos. I hope that my kids are learning how to deal with the chaos of life by watching me. I hope they know that through all the chaos, at least we always have each other. While I may not be there every hour of every day, I will be there when it matters. I realize this is hard for many moms to hear who choose to stay at home. Same as it is hard for me to hear that some moms feel that being completely accessible is best.

Personally, I dont think there is a global best, certainly not in regards to working and practicing AP. Each mother gets to make her own decision about exactly how many hours a week to leave their child. At what age is each child able to be left with a caregiver. Every child is different, their needs are different. Maybe some moms are just better moms than others. Maybe some moms are just better at the 'traditional mom things' while others are better at teaching by doing/showing. Maybe moms have different weaknesses and strengths. Maybe we should stop worrying about what our moms did to us (or worry about what we will negatively 'do' to our children) and start thinking about all they did to help us, teach us.

Being a mom is a tough job, being a mom and still trying to be yourself is even harder.

Am I talking back to myself?

You know you are a mom who stays home alot and doesn't have much interaction with other adults when you talk to yourself (outloud) ALOT. I do this. Maybe I have always done it. I dont think of it as crazy at all. I just think that when you are a mom there is rarely a peaceful moment where thought can go on in only your head with out getting terribly distracted and subsequent thought jumbled. SO, I have to talk outloud to myself as a way of reminding myself that I am having an idea or thought and that I should not forget it or let it get lost in the chaos.

This has worked well for me the past couple of years. But this morning, something different happened. Someone answered back to my random gabbing about how I need to go pick up that recycling cart. Had I finally gone crazy and started actually hearing myself answer back without trying? OR was I actually starting to have a two way conversation with myself? Had I gone that far into the introverted abyss of mommydom?

No, Lucie answered me back. Maybe it is time to minimize the absent minded chatter. Who knows what she has been listening to? The rambling mind of a highly distracted working mother who is trying to get by day to day maintaining both a business and a very active and messy household. I would have never thought that mothers have such filthy mouths and soap opera-esque diatribes going on in their minds, and in my case, very aloud.

Whats up with That!

I actually told Jarred this last week at the BR Landscapers Association party, "Why is it that no matter how old I get, I always get sat at the 'bad kids' table?" This was very funny to us both. I was sitting with the GMs from the local commercial nursery and irrigation supply store. Apparently, nursery and irrigation gm's are like yin and yang. One wild and crazy, the other quite and calm (Earth and Water if you will.) Anyway, the wild ones, including my husband were making quite a stir. It only made me feel better that these were the "in" crowd of the group, haha. Anyway, it seems that no matter how much older and laden with the 'boring' responsibilities of motherhood and business, I am still with the wild crowd when I go out. Even when going out to a work function.

Working Girls!

We worked hard around here today. Not much to say except that I felt like a pin ball in a really good pizzeria this morning. I am tired, very tired. Like I took the sheets off the bed to wash them, and I almost decided to just sleep on the mattress tired. I figured it was easier to put new ones on than explain to Jarred (ie. listen to him complain about it). I hope it quits raining here. It is really putting a damper (pardon the pun) on my work situation. I made not so good stirfry and a pretty good pie tonight. If I would have realized how quickly I would crash out, I would not have cooked at all. I had already promised MacKenzie stirfry so....she got not so good stirfry. Off to the bed, with sheets, I might add.

It's a Wonderful Life?

The theme song to our life around here has laughingly been "If we make it through December, everythings gonna be all right, I know." HAHA! This has been a crazy rollercoaster ride of ups and downs. Honestly, I would have written more often but I usually try to only write uplifting things, and this month has been sort of minute to minute. I have had some major accomplishments though. Our tree is up and the house is decorated. Lucie has been having alot of fun with her Elf on a Shelf and the Nativity Advent Calendar that I got her. On a more personal note (re: Lucie) she is just about potty trained, only having a couple of accidents this whole month. Unfortunately they are usually poop accidents, but I will take it. Lila is sweet and wonderful. It feels amazingly normal to have my own two girls to take care of. Lucie is very nice to her sister and loves on her all day long. Only once has she decided she didn't like her and honestly I couldnt blame her. Lila had been screaming in the back seat for quite awhile.

Lucie has been learning lots of Christmas songs. She especially likes "We wish you a Merry Christmas". MacKenzie tried to teach her 'Feliz Navidad'. No one could really understand it. But it was still funny.

All I wanted for Christmas was snow for Lucie. AND WE GOT IT!! Only a once in every 75 year occurence. I am taking it as a personal/professional sign that 'Anything is possible'. I needed that sort of emotional boost as I have started having pseudo-anxiety attacks everytime I see a "Going out of business' sign up here in town. Without going into it too much, we are plucking away. While the contract from CCL was a blessing, it is also putting a world of hurt on my cashflow until the contract is paid. I am going to have to do some major negotiating with the bank this week to bring it all together until next month. I can do it though b/c 'If we make through December, everything's gonna be alright I know.....".

Jarred and I had alot of fun at the BR Landscaping Assoc. Christmas party. I was amazed at how many people I actually knew there. We sat with some really fun/nice people and I really enjoyed myfirst night out since Lila's birth.

I am having so much fun getting ready for Christmas and have a ton of ideas that I am working on. I hope that somehow we make it up to Indiana, but it looks like the end of next month will work out better. This is bad for Jarred b/c if I remember correctly Jan is colder than Dec. hahaha.