Modern Momma meets AP?

I worked out of the home, 40 hour week, commuting 1 hour both ways with Lucie until she was about 8m old. It was really hard. I never adjusted to daycare. She honestly, did not seem to care so much, but I knew it could be better for us both. I missed her terribly. I made the best of it. I nursed her right before I dropped her off, came back at lunch to nurse, fed her right when I picked her up. On good days, she would have maybe one bottle at daycare. On bad days, I would have a 14 hour work day and my husband would have to come get her and it was brutal. I do feel like I practiced AP (Attachment Parenting), maybe not to the nth degree, but I know I did to a great extent. I nursed cont/ex until she was 6m. she did not really even start food until 10 months. I pumped at work. I practiced bedsharing and babywearing. I also finished my masters that first year and became a Bradley teacher. Nursing made it so much easier to keep up my very active 'personal' life and take Lucie everywhere with me. She went to many a thesis meeting at LSU.

I have a very goal orientated personality and am very type A, I guess. I have alot of dreams and aspirations adn I sort of feel like my kids are coming along with me as much as I am present to be with them on their journeys. For me personally, the road sort of goes both ways. I want them to be able to learn from watching me handle all the facets of my life. I do think that it is a constant battle to work and parent with grace and kindness. but I think that is what AP is all about. It is an ideal that was never meant to be absolute but a goal that we each strive for everyday, to do better than we did yesterday. To be more than the physical need meeter, but the parent who is engaged emotionally with their child. I think that being a parent who acknowledges to their child that today was crummy, and I am going to try to do better tomorrow is practicing AP, the hardest form of it in my opinion. I dont think you have to be with your child 24/7 to be an engaged and loving parent.
I did find that traditional daycare was so hard and I hated feeling like I saw my kid for 1 hour a day. I started my business with my husband as a way to provide an income for ourselves while spending more time with my daughter and honestly, my husband. My husband and I sort of looked at each other one day and realized, I have only seen you for like 1 hour a day for months. None of this was what I felt like my life should be like. Revolving around a time clock adn uniform that I hated, and my clientele, which I physically and emotionally was in love with, was my own life, sort of in orbit. I dont feel hard towards any mother who works full time. I am so grateful that she works so hard on both levels of life to provide not only for her own family but for mine as well. Those teachers adn firewomen and nurses etc etc etc. Without them, our world/lives would be run completely by men, haha, or I guess menopausal women...... then when would granny come if she was busy running schools etc. Anyway......does working out of the home for the 20 hours week or so that I do and working another 40 hours a week with my kids running in adn out of my office and riding with me in my truck to jobsites adn coloring with chalk on my trailer as I am waiting for trees to get loaded up set me up for failure as a mother? Probably. Do I have the occassional breakdown and crummy momma days? Absolutely. But I do try to do better the next day. I try to look at our relationships as a whole. I try to look at what I am teaching my children as a whole.

I am not going to give up on trying to have it all.

Some days I feel like I would get a 'c' grade for everything. Work, family, kids, wife, daughter, sister. Some days I suck. Some days I am a big loser at it all. I know, though, that my kids are learning from watching me falter, watching me flail, watching me start to lose my cool, watching me take care of business, watching me regroup, watching me turn around a bad situation, and usually watching me go from some type of crazy to 'hey, wanna paint?'. At my house, it is not 'together' all the time, it is a rush, it is a battle, but honestly, I enjoy the chaos. I hope that my kids are learning how to deal with the chaos of life by watching me. I hope they know that through all the chaos, at least we always have each other. While I may not be there every hour of every day, I will be there when it matters. I realize this is hard for many moms to hear who choose to stay at home. Same as it is hard for me to hear that some moms feel that being completely accessible is best.

Personally, I dont think there is a global best, certainly not in regards to working and practicing AP. Each mother gets to make her own decision about exactly how many hours a week to leave their child. At what age is each child able to be left with a caregiver. Every child is different, their needs are different. Maybe some moms are just better moms than others. Maybe some moms are just better at the 'traditional mom things' while others are better at teaching by doing/showing. Maybe moms have different weaknesses and strengths. Maybe we should stop worrying about what our moms did to us (or worry about what we will negatively 'do' to our children) and start thinking about all they did to help us, teach us.

Being a mom is a tough job, being a mom and still trying to be yourself is even harder.